Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
