Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
