a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She said her name was "party"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
