my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
