umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
