Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
