I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Naked Twister starts at high noon
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
PANTIES FOUND
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