peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize