I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
