We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
