I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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