wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize