Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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