Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
