I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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