my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
