My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My feet surprised me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
