My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
