the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
