I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
