I love black thongs
I'm passing your future prison.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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