I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
