I got chris browned last night
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
