Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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