i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
