GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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