I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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