I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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