Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
