Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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