She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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