Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
