Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
