I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
