She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize