Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
