Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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