when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
