i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
