I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
