There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
