I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
