The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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