well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
