I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
