i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
