I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
