I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
