i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
