What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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