I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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