im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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