i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
