Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
