Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
