I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
