I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
