all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
