Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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