thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
