does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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