So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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