Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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