i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize