My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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