You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
