why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
