Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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