we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
