My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
