my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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