you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize