I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
